A monster and a zombie went into a funeral home. 'I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died,' said the monster.
'Certainly ma'am,' said the undertaker, 'but there was really no need to bring her with you.'

Sandra's mother said no young man in his right mind would take her to the school dance in her bikini, so she decided to go with her friend's stupid brother.

Statistics say that one in three people is mentally ill. So check your friends and if two of them seem okay, you're the one.

The young teacher was complaining to her friends about how badly she was being paid. ' We get a really poultry amount each month,' she said.
'You mean 'paltry',' corrected one of her friends.
'No I don't, I mean 'poultry',' replied the teacher. 'What I earn is chicken feed.

Two friends who lived in the city were chatting. 'I've just bought a pig,' said the first.
'But where will you keep it?' asked the second. 'Your yards much too small for a pig!'
'I'm going to keep it under my bed,' replied her friend.
'But what about the smell?'
'He'll soon get used to that.'

Cannibal girl: I've brought a friend home for dinner.
Cannibal mum: Put her in the fridge and we'll have her tomorrow.

A horrible old witch surprised all her friends by announcing that she was going to get married.
'But,' said another old hag, 'you always said men were stupid and you vowed never to marry.'
'Yes, I know,' said the witch, 'but I finally found one who asked me.'

Why was the principal not please when she bumped into an old friend?
They were both driving their cars at the time.

An old lady coughed violently, and her dentures shot across the room and smashed against the wall. 'Oh dear,' she said, 'whatever shall I do? I can't afford a new set.'
'Don't worry,' said her friend. 'I'll get a pair from my brother for you.' The next day the friend came back with the teeth, which fitted perfectly.
'This is wonderful,' said the old lady. 'Your brother must be a very good dentist.'
'Oh, he's not a dentist,' replied the friend, 'he's an undertaker.'

Girl to friend: My dad is so old, when he was at school, history was called current events.