Boy: Granddad, do you know how to croak ?
Granddad: No, I don't think so, why ?
Boy: Because Daddy says he'll be a rich man when you do !

Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance.
'Teddy,' he called, 'how many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs quietly? Now, go back up and come down like a civilised human being.'
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
'That's better,' said his father. 'Now will you always come down stairs like that?'
'Suits me,' said Teddy. 'I slid down the bannister.'

Miles: Our dog's just like one of the family.
Giles: Really ? which one ?

Dan: I'm glad I'm not a bird.
Dad: Why ?
Dan: Because I can't fly !

Jane: Do you ever do any gardening?
Wayne: Not often. Why?
Jane: You look as if you could do with some remedial weeding.

Jane: Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days ?
Wayne: No. Why?
Jane: Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday.

Harry was telling his friend about his holiday in Switzerland. His friend had never been to Switzerland and asked, 'what did you think of the scenery ?'
'Oh, I couldn't see much,' Harry admitted. 'There were all these mountains in the way.'

'Mum,' yelled Johnny from the kitchen, 'you know that dish you were always worried that I would break ?'
'Yes dear, what about it ?'
'Well your worries are over.'

Tom: Why are you scratching your head ?
Harry: I've got those arithmetic bugs again.
Tom: Arithmetic bugs - what are they ?
Harry: Well, some people call them head lice.
Tom: Then why do you call them arithmetic bugs ?
Harry: Because the add to my misery, subtract from my pleasure, divide my attention and multiply like crazy !