'I think my Dad is getting taller,' said Stan to his friend.
'What makes you think that?'
'Well, lately I've noticed that his head is sticking through his hair.'

Paddy and Mick were watching a John Wayne film on TV. In one scene John Wayne was riding madly towards a cliff. 'I'll bet you $10 he falls over that cliff' said Paddy.
'Done,' said Mick.
John Wayne rode straight over the cliff. As Mick handed over his $10, Paddy said 'I feel a bit guilty about this, I've seen the film before.'
'So have I,' said Mick, 'but I didn't think that he would be stupid enough to make the same mistake twice !'

Little Johnny and his mother were on a train. Johnny leant over and started to whisper in his mother's ear.
'Johnny, how many times have I told you,' said his mother, ' it's rude to whisper. If you have something to say, say it out loud.'
'OK, said Johnny, 'why does the lady over there look like an ugly, haggard old witch ?'

How do we know that Bob Geldof is a wizard ?
Because he started the Broomtown rats !

Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. ' You should give that money to charity,' said the shopkeeper.
'No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!'

'William, I've been told that you have been fighting with the boys next door,' said mum.
'yes, but they're twins, so I wanted some way to tell the apart.'

Uncle Hubert noticed that his nephew Johnny was watching him the whole time. 'Why are you always looking at me ?' he asked.
'I was just wondering when you were going to do your trick,' replied Johnny.
'What trick?' enquired Uncle Hubert.
'Well, mum and dad say you drink like a fish.'

One day Joe's mother turned to Joe's father and said,' It's such a nice day, I think I'll take Joe to the zoo.'
'I wouldn't bother,' said father. 'If they want him, let them come and get him!'

Eddie's father called up to him, 'Eddie, if you don't stop playing that trumpet I think I'll go crazy!'
Eddy replied, 'I think you are already, I stopped playing half an hour ago.'

George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, 'can Albert come out to play?'
'No, said the mother, 'it's too cold.'
'Well, then,' said George, ' can his football come out to play ?'