'Why don't you like this country ?' the teacher asked a Californian boy who had come to an English school.
'It's the weather,' drawled Bud. 'I'm not used to the rain. At home we have 365 days of sunshine every year - at least.'

The teacher was furious with her son. 'Just because you've been put in my class, there's no need to think you can take liberties. You're a pig!'
The boy said nothing !
'Well ! Do you know what a pig is ?'
'Yes, mum,' said the boy, 'the offspring of a swine.'

'I'd like you to be very quiet today, boys and girls. I've got a dreadful headache.'
'Excuse me,' said Alec, 'why don't you do what mum does when she has a headache?'
'What's that ?'
'She sends us out to play.'

'I hope you're not one of those boys who sits and watches the school clock,' said the principal to a new boy.
'No, Sir. I've got a digital watch that bleeps at three-fifteen.'

The principal was very proud of his school's academic record. 'It is very impressive.' said one parent who was considering sending his son there. 'How do you maintain such high standards?'
'Simple,' said the principal. 'The school motto says it all.'
'What's that?' asked the parent.
'If at first you don't succeed, you're expelled.'

'How old would you say I am, Francis ?' the teacher asked.
'Forty,' said the boy promptly.
'You seem very sure,' said the puzzled teacher. 'What makes you think I'm 40?'
'My big brother's 20,' replied the boy,' and your twice as silly as he is !'

Teacher: why couldn't your brother spell 'Mississippi' when I asked him this afternoon in class ?
Boy: Because he didn't know if you meant the river or the state !