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A cabbage, a faucet and a tomato had a race. How did it go?
The cabbage was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato tried to ketchup.
A dog was tied to a 15-foot rope, but he walked 30 feet. How come?
The rope wasn't tied to anything.
A lemon and an orange were on a high diving board. The orange jumped off. Why didn't the lemon?
Because it was yellow.
August was the name of a puppy who was always picking on larger animals. One day he got into an argument with a lion. The next day was the first day of September. Why?
Because that was the last of August.
How can you make a slow horse fast?
Don't give him any food.
How do chickens start a race?
From scratch.
How do fireflies start a race?
When someone says, "Ready, set, glow!"
How is a ghost child taught to count to ten?
One, boo, three, four, five, six, seven, hate, nine, frighten
If Fortune had a daughter, what would her name be?
Misfortune - (Miss Fortune).
If George Washington were alive today, why couldn't he throw a silver dollar across the Potomac?
Because a dollar doesn't go as far as it used to.
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